The End

It had been breezy earlier in the night. But now, as he stood in the balcony there was no hint of a breeze. Everything was eerily still as if waiting in anticipation. He stood there wondering whether to go ahead or not, contemplating whether to destroy or to preserve. But as on that morning a few weeks ago, he decided to destroy.

As he lifted the first page, he couldn't help but notice the pretty handwriting. He noticed the salutation. However he was past this stage. The phrases that had once brought a smile to his face, the phrases that were almost guaranteed to evoke a response from him no longer mattered.

He read each page slowly, maybe, just maybe, trying to see something that he hadn't seen earlier. As he finished each page he struck a match and watched as the hungry flame devoured the paper. He repeated the same ritual over and over again till there was nothing left. As he was nearingt he end of the letter his eyes wandered to the signing off. He smiled a rueful smile. And with the smile still on his face, he fed that worthless piece of paper to the waiting flame.

That was it. It was the end.

97.89

97.89, for the uniniated, is my CAT percentile... I don't really know whether to be happy or sad.. I didn't actually prepare for it, so I guess I should be happy with what I have achieved... But no I am not happy.. and am not sad either.. nor do I regret not preparing... I am just indifferent to this whole thing.. it just doesn't bother me...the only thing that i regret is perhaps the reason for not preparing... I guess I am angry at myself only because of the stupid reason that I wasted the months of august and september..

I know what I am capable of... But then I have always known that... there are many out there who have been floored by my score... not here.. not in the environs I inhabit, here it's just another statisitic...

I know I can crack any exam if i really want.. but there's the catch.. if i really want... I am just too lazy.. And I hate entrance examinations... I am ready to slog for any cause.. but when it comes to entrances, I just become irrationally lazy...

However I have had enough of this... I guess the stupid reason that made me waste the precious two months alongwith the 97.89 statistic has rekindled the fire within... No more medicority... here's my promise to everyone.. friends, family, and moreover to myself... Come 2010, be it IAS or CAT, I'll crack the goddamn thing...

Day 13: 29th August 2008

Ahh my faithful readers... you would have thought that just when it was getting interesting, I didn't show up... naah don't worry... am not going to leave you in there... without any quality crap accounts to read :P...

So the question seems inevitable.. why am i so late.. the reason is the pathetic internet of my college... I couldn't log into blogger! blah...

Anyways so day 13... hmmm again characterized by a lot of wasitng of time... nowadays it seems as if time itself has stopped... i mean the dates keep changing but then nothing else does! its as if we have been suspended in a very thick medium... we are just not moving... nothign seems to matter... nor does it make a difference.. somehow this has to change... i don't like living life this way... and it IS going to change... starting today... right as of this moment I have decided that this would be the last post under the series... you might still get to hear my daily accounts but they would be different, they have to be different...

anyways back to day 13... apart from attending a lecture and a meeting of the long forgotten press club, i don't think i did anything wort mentioning yesterday...

so that is that...

n-13 days to go...

ohh no.. hold it hold it... its over... the countdown ends.....

0 days to go...

Day 12: 28th August 2008

It came and would have gone without bothering me had it not been for two facts:
a.) it was dad's bday...
b.) had an interesting conversation. (yeah another one.. these days it seems all i am doing is having conversations, inconsequential or interesting, doesn't matter :P.. )

My inverse routine coninued for the 2nd consectuive day: sleeping time: 10 am... wake up time: 8:30 pm...

have asked kaka to sudharofy his pota and he has consented... something to look forward to at last .. :)

apart from all this it was just another waste of time day.. God i must be the biggest idiot alive.. realizing am wasting time and not doing anything about it...

And yeah am going to post that conversation of mine here... most probably in the next few mins ( internet gods willing... )

I still have to answer a tag that i have agreed to answer.. but want to do justice with it.. answer as truthfully as i can.. so you know.. just hang on..

And how can i forget... health is improving :) :)

n-12 days to go...

Day 11: 27th August 2008

Now this is interesting... a few days back i had decided to change my schedule, so as to gradually adjust to the timing of the test on the D- day because as of now, my mind ain't at its peak during 10 am - 1 pm to slot. And since IIMs aren't going to conduct CAT at 3 in the morning, the only option for me was to change. Well I did manage to change my schedule but there's a slight twist here... yesterday i slept at 12 pm and woke at 8 pm :S

So that's wat day 11 was pretty much all about... sleeping :D .. though did manage 15 mins of studies :satan: and some gruellling accounting work...

n-11 days to go...

Day 10: 26th August 2008

Baah.. that's the word for this day.. the dreaded common cold has arrived :( ... the giant drums from the Beijing's bird nest have been transferred to their new location... my head... and my tummy thinks its a good time to throw some tantrums too... :( :(

Why do I fall sick everytime the season changes ...

Had slept early in the night owing to the meds.. woke up at 8ish... filled my CAT form.. the only worthwhile thing i did in the day btw... was looking fwd to Shiv's lecture when i got to know that it has been cancelled..

thnx to a good soul named Mundra... didnt have to go to ahmedabad to deposit the CAT form.. another highlight of an otherwise forgettable day... you rock dude :)

assured that the from was in safe hands, slept off again.. courtesy the meds once more...

from evening to midnight... don't really know what i did... watched some episodes of 24... dinner time came and went.. with my bad luck again prevented me from having what i had desired... baah.. that sounds too corny :P

anyways settled for another junk meal..... have been doing that for last 3 days... junk junk and junk.. barring today's breakfast of course.. aloo ki sabzi and puri... yummm :)

The net's been screwed all day.. can't even book my damm ticket...

that pretty much sums it up.. i kno its quite long.. and not very interesting.. but then i don't care.. i write for myself.. and i write what i want.. if you have a problem with that, that's exactly what it is... your problem!

n-10 days to go...

Day 9: 25th August 2008

Just another day.. routine... boring... no studies... feeling totally wasted right now.. and on top of it all, feels like my persistent annoyer, the dreaded zukaam is going to catch up with me .. :(

Don't even feel lik writing anythin..

n-9 days to go...

Day 8: 24th August 2008

Hmm... my regular post is delayed a bit today as was busy with some work in the field of high finance :P . Anyways who cares? As if you have been checking my blog since midnight, waiting for this post to arrive!

God, its already been eight days! It can be a small time or a long duration depending upon how you look at it. Over the lasty couple of days have managed to convince myself of my course of action.

Day 8 was a bit different. An AIMCAT, followed by solid four hours of sleep, and finally a quiz. Must say it was refreshing to attend one after such a long time. It was a bit hectic what with all the finance work thrown in. And things not looking any better for today. Have got two submissions and a test and yah CAT preparation is always there, if I choose to acknowledge its existence!

That reminds me, even started filling the CAT form yesterday. Have to wind that up too. And oh how can i forget the inconsequential phone conversation!!

Anyways have to go now. Assignments are waiting, a test is looming...

n-8 days to go...

Day 7: 23rd August 2008

Ahh.. midnight... its fast becoming my favourite time of the day as i look forward to add something to my chronicles...

yesterday was day 7... and well a tough one... i nearly broke the promise i had made to myself.. but somehow.. it didn't happen.. whether it was for the good or the bad.. only time will tell...

have to go now.. promised someone I am going to comment once the meaning of her most recent post sinks in...

till tomorrow..

n-7 days to go..

Day 6: 22nd August 2008

Ahh.. now here's what I like most about college life... its keeps moving... the 24 hour time limit of a day doesn't seem to bother the continuous flow of time.. yesterday was one such day.. (i know i know its paradoxical :) ).

Around my usual sleeping time (read 5 am) was pondering over my life.. my future.. my last AIMCAT %ile was bad.. so needed something to cheer me up.. decided to give a mock.. hadn't been able to tak AIMCAT 0912 for some reasons... and had heard that it was quite easy.. so well at 5:30 i started my test and finished at 8..

by now it was way past my sleeping time.. so i thought what the heck.. lets get some work done.. and will sleep after Devy's lecture.. submitted an application for my CPI certification thingie.. went to the bank with DM saab to get our internet banking pwd.. (ahh.. that reminds me.. forgot to book my tickets.. shit!)

anyways.. post all this went to attend Devy's lecture at the end of which I managed to get myself a book to be read till monday.. baah.. And then i slept.. :D

This is an addition to the post.. I realized even though I slept in the afternoon, the fresher's I attended still technically happened yesterday.. so well.. had to mention it..

I have actually started to look forward to these daily chronicles.. somehow they provide a semblance of control where there is none..

Anyways I have to be honest here... this might as well be the last.. nobody knows for sure..

I was born on a Saturday
Today too is a Saturday
And it will change my life either way..

n-6 days to go..

Day 5: 21st August 2008

Things have started falling into a pattern. Someone needs to realize I am in no shape of providing emotional support at the moment.

n-5 days to go..

Day 4: 20th August 2008

I so love normal days!! But as it happens to be.. they are a rarity in my life! The only good thing about today was that managed to put in a couple of hours of study. Not enough i know.. but at least its a beginning...

The dreams continue to torment.. but.. I will survive!!

n-4 days to go...

Day3: 19th August 2008

Ahh.. a strange day.. in many ways.. had a couple of interesting phone conversations... one with an old friend.. who in a way is responsible for my recent activity :) ... and another during which well lets just say, got to hear some real nice stuff :D

But then it was tough.. seeing someone online jus does something.. and then there are the dreams that just refuse to go away...

Another weird thing.. like a good boy went to the RC to study.. only to find it closed :S... reason: it was a holiday.. baah

n-3 days to go..

Day 2: 18th August 2008

The 2nd day is over. Pretty much like the first one. Blogged after a long time. For those interested in symbolism, the link is broken. Started with analysis of the papers..

n-2 days to go...

Day 1 : 17th August 2008

Yesterday was the first day. Wasn't as tough as i had thought it would be. Wrote an AIMCAT, pathetic performance, read, slept, ate a bit... n-1 more days to go.

Choice

Choice is the fundamental element of human nature. Where you currently lie, you choose to be!
If you happen to be cribbing about something, STOP, and make a CHOICE!

In 60 seconds....

You are going to die in 60 seconds... what would you do people?

Professor...

As the clock ticks away, indicatin the passage of time, the approaching dawn, i try and recollect what all happeed to me today... not much in the sens that after giving ma STS presenttaion, i came back nd tokd over an hour on phone and then slept like a log... wait a second... lets rewind to the STS presenmtation... till last night i wasnt sure if i would be able to do it... till early morning i had decided i would be firmly standing behind the podium and read... but.... as i climbed up dat dais... something happened... somethin fundamental changed in me... and it was lik... damn everything... this place belongs to me... i am gonna move around and not be rooted behind the podium.. i'll speak wateva comes to my mind and not some crap that i had prepared....
I did wat i wanted to... and as with ma prev presentation( read the ibf one) this also went well... and left me wondering... is this wat am destined to do for the rest of ma life? is it the Lecture theatres where i would be spendin ma life? a place that i dont lik visitin as a student...does it beckon me... i don't know wat future has in store for me... but dont be surprised if some fine day ur children may jus come across professor....

Dilemma!

I have to study... should study... rather must study.... but don't feel like it!
any suggestion??? c'mon ppl... someone out there must have felt like me...
Oh God why do exams exist! and if they do why are the subjects so mundane....

Thoughts

Thoughts...everyone has thoughts and I am no exception. Thoughts keep comin and going, its like an infinite loop; thoughts enter your mind, you muse over them for a while and then they exit, but not without creating some mischief. These swirling thoughts would sometimes leave you full of pleasure, and you'll feel as if you own the world. But more often than not they will leave you in a strange state. Now strange state is itself a a strange term to describe that state and this is the state I am in right now. Would I call it anxiety, perhaps no; worried no again; confused, another no! Its just that kind of a feeling when you don't really understand what's happening to you and if you do know that you have no idea as to why its happening to you!
Lost in this labyrinth of thoughts, one has to search for that guiding beacon which would help us emerge from this swirling mist. And that's exactly what I'm doing now. My present condition is one in which I for the first time am finding it tough to make a decision. For i know that whatever decision I make now will decide the course of my life for the few years at least. It may even define the course of my life but am not sure whether that's the case or not; and one should never make the folly of trying to look into the depths of future.
At this point, I'm truly alone. I have no one to and seek guidance from. My parents have since the beginning left all decisions to me. It was my decision to not to drop an year, it was my decision to choose this college and it has been my decisions that has brought me to this point. So why trouble them unnecessarily and besides I'm sure they won't be able to grasp the true sense of the situation, not that I doubt their ability; its just not their cup of tea. Now you would say what are friends for? Indeed thats what they are for! But whom would I ask; the guy whose opinion I respect the most is himself facing a dillemna, and I have neither the inclination nor the patience to explain my condition to those "wise people".
Under normal circumstances I would have taken up a good book and read myself to sleep and during the sleep a solution would magically appear. (not kiddin! it really works for me!)However as luck would have it I'm out of decent books right now so I did the next best thing: I just poured my heart out.Let's see if it works...