Musings...

I never actually got to penning it down. Perhaps I thought that it would do more harm than good. Perhaps I thought that it was better left unsaid. Perhaps that’s the way it was meant to be. But then, are things ever the way they are meant to be ?


Why am I doing this now? Now, after all this time; when it's all over, or at least that's what I am made to believe. What I have been forced to believe. Forced to accept as truth something I know is wrong. But then, just because it's right doesn't make it true, isn't it?


I never really expected it. In most cases you know what is coming and when it happens, there's a sense of inevitability about it. But with me it was the proverbial bolt from the sky. I never knew what hit me. I never knew why it happened. What I knew, was that this was not how it was supposed to end. But then, we don't always get what we want.


There were pitfalls. But then there always are. For most part they were negotiated without any damage. Hardly any in fact. And that made it even more hard to believe. What I believed in, what to an extent defined me, completed my existence was no longer around. Exactly one month after that memorable morning I found myself alone, out at the high seas, with the lights of the life boat getting dimmer and dimmer. But then, I wasn't supposed to drown, not yet anyway.


Over the next couple of days I alternated between trying to cry and salvaging the dream. And at neither did I succeed. The eyes had dried, how and what for purpose I don’t know and I guess I never will. While the non-existent yet ever-present tears had run dry, my efforts encountered a wall of steel on the other hand. The voice was cold, the emotions absent. It was as if there had been a transformation overnight. I screamed that it was wrong; I pleaded. But then, all pleas are not meant to be answered, all screams not meant to be heard; some of them fall on deaf ears.


What was it ? Was it a beautiful dream with a tragic end ? Was it a betrayal ? Would I ever be able to forget, and more importantly, forgive ? I wish I had the answers to these questions and many more like them that keep rearing their heads. But then, all wishes are not meant to be granted.


I have come to accept it in a way. But not in a way it was hoped I would accept. That could never happen for that would have meant that everything that led to it was nothing but a bunch of lies. And that is not the case. But I have changed. Rather, I have been changed. A part of me died that evening. Faith has been shattered, trust has been broken, beliefs have been belied. More than anything, love was denied. But then I ask myself, what really is love ?